Wednesday, 12 July 2017

The Reason Why Marriages Turns Into A Source of Agony,Frustration & Misery

There are folks who desperately want to get married,but marriage as well scares tones of people.
I was not a person who ever believed in marriage as an institution.
Don't get it twisted - I always believed in love ,I just thought that the whole drama that comes with institutionalizing it is quite pointless and unnecessary. Like,what the piece of paper changes exactly? I felt like that paper is not there for a couple but for the society so you can prove to the world around you that your love is "that" serious. For real?
Secondly,I was wondering why most of people who are actually married don't seem excited and happy about it,in fact,I always used to get impression (from their body languages and face expressions maybe) like they are exhausted,bored and annoyed to death.
Meanwhile,everyone is generally much more enthusiastic while dating.Let me ask again,what that little piece of paper does to people? How does marriage certificate changes nature of relationship between two people for worse? Hello?!

Even when I finally got married,some fears were still present and my resistance towards marriage as an institution didn't completely vanish.

Norms. Terms. Regulations. Obligations. Expectations.Rules.
Is that what marriage is all about? Someone already prescribed what we "must" do as "married women" or "married men". And even before we get married ,we are already seriously brainwashed with tones of expectations and that is,in my opinion,the source of most issues,frustration and fights that follow the famous institution of marriage.

Why?
How?
Let me explain.

Moment you start feeling like your partner has obligation to do or not do certain things,you automatically close space and door for appreciation. "Wait ,must I clap for you because you made me a dinner? Are you not my wife?" Or " What is a big deal,you did not do me a favor,you are just providing for your family like a man was suppose to! Or what,I should go to other men and ask them to get it done for me?"
You feel me?

That shit doesn't normally happen while we are dating as much as it happens when we marry,simply because we now feel like other person owe us for being our spouse and the expectations the idea of marriage programs in our minds makes us take all the efforts your partner makes  -for granted. " Isn't that what he/she was suppose to do anyways?"

Expectations based on these "norms" also make us always seek for what is not there instead of focusing on beautiful moments,features  and gestures  that are present.
Just because someone was brainwashing you all your life about what "marriage was suppose to be" doesn't mean it must happen that way, to the book. It's not a script we try to manifest in reality.
Every couple's story is different,individual and unique,so focus on you two and stop comparing your partner to your mother,father  or lives other married people live (or you think they do).

Start focusing on effort.You will see how hard your partner actually tries for you. Train yourself to see everything he/she does for you as an act of his/hers good,free will (despite the fact your mom did it for your dad everyday or vica versa) and you will start loving them on a whole different level.
Because,the truth is,whether you like it or not,he/she did not really have to do it at the end of the day,

The truth is,as human beings that we are,our worst behavior comes out when we feel unappreciated,taken for granted,unnoticed and not valued enough. That is how you start holding a heavy heart and hard feelings against your partner and it affects your general attitude towards him/her. Women start nagging,complaining,always unhappy and moody,men stop coming back home. That is how married couples create a gap and distance between each other and end up living like roommates,if not strangers.

The whole beauty of union between two people is not about wearing a ring or posting Instagram quotes and "couple goals" pictures ,it is is in appreciation.
The moment you forget to appreciate,you will stop seeing how loved and special you actually are to that person and magic will vanish.



I know it is not easy,but forget rules and norms. It's not about what a married man or a woman was suppose or not suppose to do,say,wear.
Don't allow it affect the raw nature of relationship you two already built for yourselves.
The one and only norm that must be obeyed is happiness and fun you need to have together.

Forget everyone else's opinion,marriage is for two of you only.
FOCUS MORE ON THE NATURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAN IDEA OF MARRIAGE EVEN AFTER YOU TIGHT KNOTS. Common,it is really not THAT serious.
Let no one and nothing spoil your fun.

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

TopSecret : How To Make Your Partner Change

"Things would be better if you only change" feels like a mission on it's own in 90% of relationships.
There is something you just can't deal with and you use all the energy,focus,strength and heart in you to make other person change because you assume: That is the only way we will be happy together. That is the way he/she was supposed to be/act/think/behave.

We never feel like the change we want to see is a bad change. Somehow, it is all about achieving what was suppose to be normal. For you own good as a couple,right? All in the name of Love.

Been there ,done that.

And I felt so right about it. But then ,when I felt like my partner is trying to change certain things about me,I started thinking differently about this whole matter. In fact,I felt offended. Less worthy. I took it so personal. Every bit of it.My Ego was crying,my pride was hurt.  More he talks about my flows,more I resist the change.
Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be loved for who I am?

What a bloody confusion.
So do we have a right to insist on changing someone we were suppose to love the way they are? Because that is what Love is about ,isn't it? It is all about acceptance,right?
Dilemma of life.

I observed myself. I observed my man. I took my time. I tried being objective.

First of all,we are human beings,which makes us super egocentric by nature (don't even try to deny it), which means: we tend to see the world around us in our own way,from our own ,very personal angle and,accordingly, we grow super strict expectations that we hold on to so anxiously,convinced about how right and "normal" things we expect are,hiding behind social and traditional norms,and our egocentric,(dictatorship kinda) nature makes us act like everyone around us must agree with it and accept it as their own reality.

And in relationships,we, apparently, do it all "in the name of Love". Or at least,that is what we claim.Could it be more ironic than this?. Lol. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. We do it to satisfy that egocentric nature of ours.  That is how we end up being so obsessed with looking for flaws,imperfections,wrongs and for what to change and for what is just "not fair" and "not right",instead of simply enjoying and stop resisting the happiness that is already there. 

And that is the source of the problems we have.


More you look for imperfections in your partner,more you will find them. I promise you.


The reason why the quality of a relationship drops during the time is not because partners changed,but because we change THE FOCUS from good features and decide to give all our attention,heart,passion and time to the bad ones.


And guess what,what we focus on grows.


I am not saying you have to settle for rubbish treatments,disrespect or for anything less that you dream of. You know I do not believe in settling. Ever.
But sometimes,in relationships, be become delusional,lost and confused because emotions are involved.
That is why,you have to know the person you are with. Weight Good VS Bad in him/her so you know if he/she is what you truly want.
If yes,it's actually very easy to make them become your dream partner  and make all these little flows disappear.Not buy changing them directly,but by changing the only thing you have absolute power and control over: your own perception about them.

Moment you start practicing Loving Actions towards your man (or a woman),you will understand what I am talking about. But don't ever get it twisted: Loving Actions are not harsh,disturbing,or loud. Loving Actions are not an excuse for you to nag,complain,regret,blackmail.Loving Actions are all about embracing goodness you discovered in your partner and about discovering some more. Loving Actions means encouragement and support without looking for anything in return. You don't do it for the count. It's simply a loving action.

That is exactly what my husband used to change me ,but than, I actually changed myself ,he was just loving me for who I am by focusing on the goodness in me.
I did the same for him when I finally let go of my egocentric nature that insisted on particular scenario of how was he suppose to behave,act and react,and replaced with Loving Actions that helped him overcome all the issues or personal,even childhood challenges he had to deal with.

So before you let your egocentric nature convince you that there is a strict plan and program about how your partner should behave,act,think,love you,dress and express himself (herself),ask yourself how we would you feel like if someone constantly focus on your flows and imperfections and what is not right and correct about you?Let me tell you right away: Absolutely unappreciated and invisible. Like there is nothing to love about you ,just the way you are. And how could you ever possibly give the best of you to someone who makes you feel that way?


So let go of your egocentric nature,let go of that silly idea that everyone around you must see the world,"rights" and "wrongs", the way you do,let go of what people will say or think,let go of social norms and everything else that creates all sorts of ridiculous expectations that will make you forget how to appreciate and enjoy everything good that is already there and just LOVE yourself,your partner without a fear,calculation or doubt and you will see how problems and issues melt simply because we stopped feeding them attention and we focused on fulfilling our purpose as someone's partner.

Because LOVE is the strongest,most powerful  force in the Universe . It moves mountains and gives birth to miracles.




Tuesday, 16 May 2017

"All Men Are The Same!!!".......Wait,What About GOOD Ones?? And The Truth About Women Who Claim That All Men Are The Same?

Men are scums.
Men this .
Men that.
All men are the same.
A man will always be a man.
All men cheat.
Men lie.
Men are players

I am sure you have heard this many,many times,if not said yourself  .
Seems like most women see men as a sort of heartless aliens we have absolutely nothing in common with. As if they came from another planet to hurt us,play us and lie to us. Emotionally cold,cruel creatures,moved by urges and libido.
Familiar ?

For sure,I am my sister's keeper. For some time now I use my platforms to help women all across the globe understand that their destiny is not to learn how to settle for suffering,poor treatments and misery while trapped in a role of a submissive little housewives. Yes,I strongly believe a woman must know her worth and what defines her as a female and a human being:sexually,emotionally,spiritually before she allows society or a man do it for her.

But I also love,cherish and respect men.
Yes ,I do.

And I know that no woman can be treated badly UNLESS she stays and settles for it. Unless she allows it herself as I strongly believe in a power of personal choice,no matter circumstances. That is why I tend to teach women importance of self love: because a woman that truly loves,values and respects herself would  never settle for being treated poorly by no man in this world. She is familiar with her worth and she has nothing to prove to anyone.

Empowered woman will know how to stand for herself,she won't make excuses for her man while being abused,humiliated ,cheated and lied on, but you need to know,I don't support extreme cases where men are being stigmatized and blamed for everything. Why? As I said,no one can do us wrong unless we allow them by staying where we are not happy. And that is nothing but a very personal choice. Got that?


I am here to tell you that there are still good people out there.
Good men. With amazing qualities and pure intentions. Men that crave love. Loyal men. I really meet them all the time (and I am also raising one by God's grace),some of them are my very good friends,however, I feel bad when I see how we bash them and unfairly put them all under the same nasty category. It's really not the case all the time.

And for all young ladies, please don't trust everything you hear. Do not judge the world around you based on bitter experience of few women you came across,no matter how close they are to you.  Keep in mind that ladies who call men "all the same" actually talk out of their very personal,painful experiences based around one man or maybe two and has absolutely nothing to do with entire mankind. ( 7 billion people in this world,how could you possibly know if they are all the same?Lol)
If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat/lie/etc..",even though she might not be right,do not take it against her. It is a mechanism of defense. She did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship without feeling too bad about herself. 


If you personally had a bad experience where you felt like someone hurt or betrayed you,and at the same time you are looking forward to start a new relationship-it is time to let go of of fear,anger and bitterness you carry along from past ,otherwise you will keep attracting exactly the same type of experiences in future because what we focus on grows.

Note: Our past experiences are there to help us get to know ourselves,our potentials and capacities better and not to make general opinions about opposite sex. Once you learn how to love and accept yourself to the fullest, you will not have a fear of someone doing you wrong because you know you won't even consider staying around anyone who happens not to recognize and appreciate your worth.

I will repeat again,there are good and honest men out there (and very single!),and no,it is not utopia and I am not a story teller. And no,good men are not "reserved" for them "lucky girls". They come to women who know what they deserve and do not settle for less. Trust me.I talk from my experience .


More we cherish them, more we will see them.  Do not allow bitterness or fear blind you.

Let's work on becoming better,not bitter!
The best is yet to come!



Saturday, 13 May 2017

CHEATING PARTNER ALERT : The Only Person That Can Break Your Home Is The One You or Your Partner Allow IN! (BE CAREFUL WHO YOU REFER TO AS A "HOME BREAKER"!)

We certainly create our personal realities with our beliefs and personal life experiences and I really have no doubt about that.

I never had an intention of forcing my own beliefs on  anyone,especially when it comes to love and marriage, and I don't believe in "right/wrong":it is all matter of our personal perspectives.

If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat",she did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship. 
And there can no be any further argument.Different life experiences bring us different realities.

However,if you truly believe that infidelity is a normal,usual something all of us must live with ("every man cheats" etc) and you simply settled for it,as you believe it's an ultimate fact,and if you,at the same time,found a way to live with such reality and be happy and protect your peace of mind ,then I am happy that you are feeling good and fulfilled because that is a purpose of life.Hey,whatever rocks your boat. 

But if  such relationship makes you feel bitter,insecure,sad,miserable,depressed,anxious and angry,then you have a problem because I do not believe you were brought into this world to suffer. 

I for sure know that your whole anger and frustration is directed towards them bitches that can not respect the fact that he is taken but.....It's not a side chick that is a source of your issue. 
Let's be real: one will go ,another one will come. You already know.

Note,no one can break your home unless you or your partner open door for them and allow them in. 

That is why I truly believe that "home breaker" is actually a married person that decides to get himself (herself) into an affair. 

Most of you justify man's actions (just for the sake of his sex)and at the same time put the whole blame on them women for "daring" to seduce a "poor little naive,innocent thing". I am a married woman sef,but this way of thinking doesn't make much sense to me and I will explain you why.


Yes and unfortunately,women's solidarity is not familiar to every female and some girls do not care if men they are after are married or not,BUT,honestly,that "side chick" doesn't have any obligation towards your home (unless she is maybe your family member or a close friend). 


The person that has obligation to protect and keep your home safe is most likely the same person you decided to build it with.  Yes ,your partner. 

Clearly,it was not that other woman that committed to you but your "other half" did. (unless you guys willingly and mutually agreed on polygamy or open relationship). So whatever the third lady does has nothing to do with you. But the way your partner responds,does!

Don't ever get me wrong,I never said it's ok for girls to chase after married men for which ever reason,but the person who should be an adult and responsible enough not to put your home to risk is that human being you call your man because it's his home as well.
Last time I have checked,it's not by force to have an affair. Both men and women get involved in such with their good and free will.

However,ask yourself : can you spend the rest of your life in misery and bitterness ,comparing yourself to all sorts of different women you have found in his phone,doubting your worth and credibility as a woman, threatening,hating and spying on "side chicks" and shouting to leave your man alone and have a heavy heart every time he comes home late? 

I am asking you now: Is that a life? 
I am not telling you how to live your life,but if your heart can not handle such treatment, then let go of it. Stop convincing yourself that it can not get better then that because "all men.." ...blah.

In my opinion,I do not think that two people can build a life together if honesty lacks.No one is perfect,but TRUST is a must for me.

Personally, I think infidelity has nothing to do with sex. Men and women both equally cheat for different reasons,just that women know how to hide it better since infidelity was never a socially acceptable behavior for a woman as it was for a man all through the history.

And I do not even think that men have a higher or stronger libido then women (trust me!) so I do not buy all these biological theories that claim cheating as a part of men's DNA and nature. Everything is a question of choice.

But I am also very sure that there are faithful people out there (if that's what your heart really craves,do not settle for less). That is not an utopia.I know them. I meet them. There are real and honest men and women out there and it is very unfair to discredit them with "all men/women are the same....." kinda attitude just because you had a nasty,painful experience.


Infidelity is not a matter of circumstances or sex,it is determined with how highly loyalty is rated in your personal system of values . That is all.

I just don't think you should settle for anything that makes you unhappy,bitter and miserable just because you managed to convince yourself that it is the way it was supposed to be and that "everyone gets cheated on". Believe it or not,that is not always the case.

Remember, true happiness is an ultimate purpose of this our short life and not how we appear on the outside for others to judge us.  

Stop looking for who to blame while settling for being treated the way you did not dream of when you were a little girl. Focus on you. Your life is truly all about you and it is never too late to set your priorities in the way that will work for you the best .

There is no shame in the fact you refuse to settle for anything that does not please your soul. 

Saturday, 6 May 2017

A Bright Future After Shameful Past?

So many people run away from their past. They are ashamed. They feel like some life choices from God knows when would destroy their reputation,chase away important people from their lives or ruin their future in general.

The truth is you get labeled real quick in this our society like no one has ever sinned before. Everyone holier then thou.

But must your past affect your future?

Let me tell you straight up as an imperfect sinner that I am and that you are : you have absolute right not to be the same person you were yesterday.

I will start from myself: Sonia from 2014,2010,2008 is not the same Sonia typing this for you. It's like we are talking about different people.

You would  simply not do/settle/agree with everything the very same you did even a year ago. And guess what? That's absolutely fine!
A wise man said once:The only constant thing in this world is change. 


Do we work this hard and go through everything we do to stay the same?
Hell no.

I feel like there were so many different people living inside this same body of mine. People with different mindsets,habits,ideas.My life philosophy changed. My ways changed. So many times.
You have right to change your features or anything else about you when you understand that it does not work for your best interest anymore. 
Am I ashamed of all the Sonia's I have met for past 26 years of my life? No. I made a peace with them because all of them had a powerful impact on the person I am proudly today. I have learned how to love and appreciate my past despite the fact that I could as well be ashamed of it. All the experiences and life choices I have made,no matter how wrong,right or shameful they are built this Sonia you know. How precious is that?

Maya Angelou once said: "When you know better,you do better".
It is actually as simple as that. So many times we just don't know. How to know? From where? Experience is the teacher. That is where wisdom comes from. It was not installed in our hearts from the very first day we were brought into this world. Period. We don't always know,but we learn.
And that is just fine my love.

The change we face is nothing but a proof of growth and that is why it's very wrong to discredit your past by being ashamed of it or running away from it.

For sure,not everyone will like the fact that you are growing bigger,wiser,stronger because  it will change your level to the point it passes their own.

"Look at her forming ......... till yesterday she used to....." blah.
"I know this one from way before,the way he was............smh"
"I used to see her doing.........who does she think she is now"

 That is the reason why they become angry and that is the time when they will try and use "embarrassing dirt" from your past against you so they can feel better about themselves and stagnation they face. Clearly,that has absolutely nothing to do with their "morals" or what so every they tend to hide under. When they start talking about who you "used" to be it is because they fear who you are about to become. 


That is why you should not allow it to discourage you and sabotage your growth. Don't ever let it happen.
That is why it's always the best to make a peace with your past even though you might not be the same person anymore.Because what you embrace can never be used against you.

No matter what happened a year,5 or 10 years ago,you deserve the greatness a future can bring.You deserve that change and your past is just a result of you not knowing everything you know today.

Be grateful for it.

Sky is your starting point.

Love you!



Thursday, 27 April 2017

Just Because He Won't Let You Go Doesn't Mean He Wants You

There is nothing as frustrating as receiving mixed signals from person we have deep feelings for.
You know,when you don't know where you stand with someone you really care about.

It normally comes along with heartache,disappointments,overthinking,insecurities,doubts and terrible confusion and it is a quite torturing experience and somehow I am pretty sure most of you understand (from your personal experience) what I am talking about .

However, all these undefined relationships have somethings in common: firstly they make us wander so badly to the point where we feel like going crazy and secondly they always mean we settled for way less then we deserve and sooner or later everybody gets tired of it.


Saturday, 22 April 2017

Guide For A Modern Pregnant Woman: How To Stay Sexy,Look Amazing And Feel Good

We all agree: there is nothing as miraculous and powerful as woman caring a new life in her womb for whole 9 months.
What a blessing!

But truth for the matter,pregnancy as well freaks us out. Like seriously.

Let me start with myself: when I found out I was expecting a child,I almost fainted even thought we saw it coming. I started panicking. Crying. I was scared to death.
How will this affect my life? My mind and body? Will the Sonia I know be gone forever?  Will pregnancy make me ugly? Unhappy? Depressed? Unattractive? Will it be very awkward,painful and uncomfortable?
What can I expect?

I can still remember the emotional roller coaster I have passed through.

And I can bet,I am not alone.
So,my ladies,my intention with this post is to share some tips that helped me take the best out of this miraculous 9 months and rock the pregnancy like a fancy,unique million dollar accessories.

1) DOLL UP HON!
- I know you would feel lazy,moody and tired,and that is all normal,but don't allow yourself to sink into it! 
Even before I got pregnant,I used to admire dolled up pregnant ladies. Like,there is nothing more beautiful than a vibrant preggy hottie /slayer with belly.  When I was pregnant,every single time I felt down,I would force myself to get up,do my hair,do some lovely make up,pick a cute sexy outfit and go to mall. Or super market. Or just take a walk. It worked like a therapy for me.  Pregnancy doesn't mean you must stay in pajamas,baggy,unattractive clothes and messy bun on top of your head while moving from couch to bed. 
Don't you stop slaying love!
Love this pic,I was about 6 months pregnant here 

2) EAT RIGHT !
Heavy,oily food makes even a non pregnant person lazy,sleepy and tired. You should try and eat regularly but healthy mostly for the sake of your baby but also for the sake of your mood . Trust me,what we eat has a lot to do with how we feel.
Forget that "eat for 2" nonsense. Increase intake of vitamins ,proteins and water,and not chips,pounded yam,Fanta,chocolate and fried chicken. And let's keep it real: pregnancy doesn't mean you  need that 2am meal. At all.
Staying fit REALLY means staying happy. And yes,your postpartum body will be thankful;) 

3) STAY ACTIVE!
-I repeat: I know you feel lazy and tired. But as long as you have a normal,healthy pregnancy there is absolutely  no reason for you to lay in bed all day as if you are,God forbid,sick.
Pregnancy is not disability.
I remember,I used to go out ,even clubbing with my husband while pregnant and I had so much fun (turning up with bottles of water for the first time of my life lol). It was a different kind of unforgettable experience for me.
However,stay social. Hang out with people that make you happy. Laugh. Have FUN! Yes,being pregnant does not mean you should be restricted from having fun and enjoying yourself (as long as you stay away from heavy drinks,smokes and drugs of course).
Hey ,it's still the same old you with some extra blessing in your sexy belly.
Stay physically active as well. I mean,you don't have to go to gym and lift weights but you can have a 20 min walk every day. It will mean a lot for your mental and physical health. And that sexy body of yours. 

4) THINK POSITIVELY 
- Stop thinking and talking about potential risks pregnancy can bring. Common. Don't let fears spoil this special experience for you. Rather focus ,think and talk about all the beautiful things caring a new life brings. Your bigger boobs for example. LOL 
Surround yourself with positive minds,people who inspire you and give you hope ,whether in real life or social media. Breathe and absorb positivity only. 
Suffocate fears and panic with gratitude. You have so much to be thankful and excited for.
You are truly blessed. 

5)SHOW YOURSELF SOME LOVE
-If you can not afford spa treatments and wellness centers ,that does not mean you can not enjoy. You can still pamper yourself at home. Few times a week make sure you give yourself an hour of "me time". Play your favorite music,run a bubble bath,read a good book,put a mask on your face,make sure you smell and feel finer then the finest rose.


6) YES, YOU ARE STILL SEXY BOO
- And you will stay irresistible for a very long time. Pregnancy is a piece of cake for you,miraculous woman!



7)DO IT FOR YOURSELF FIRST 

-Make sure you keep yourself fly for yourself first. Do not do it because you want to earn an approval or a compliment from your man or any other person. This "effort" is about you alone this time around. You deserve to feel good about yourself,pregnant or not.